Just exploring the heights of foolishness

My father always told me to walk tall and hold my head high.

The walking tall part wasn't difficult for me at 6'2. And I've tried hard to live in such a way that I can hold my head up, too, but it hasn't always been easy. There was the time, for example, that I shook the hand of Stephen Harper and said I was pleased to meet him. Being a hypocrite is one thing; being a liar is another. I was both.

Walking tall in its best sense has nothing do with feet and inches, of course. Napoleon probably walked tall but physically he was a runt. I like to think I walk tall, too, although over the last eight years I've lost a foot or so off my height. It tends to happen as we get older.

So who are the tallest people in the world? There are those who keep track of these things, you know. People who don't have much else to do and make their living off government grants researching information useful to no one including them.

Nevertheless, I'll make use of it in this column so that you won't look too stunned next time you're watching "Who Wants to Be a Millionaire" with your kids. When they ask that question about the tallest people you'll just stretch and yawn and carelessly toss out the answer: the Dutch. If you're less than 5' 6 yourself you'll look even better.

Bet you thought it was the Americans, right? Nope, they're not even second, even though they have so much money at their disposal and one of the highest standards of living in the world -- for some of them. And what about all those human skyscraper-type basketball players? They go seven feet and better, or at least higher. Where did they come from?

The researchers we were mentioning earlier have come to the conclusion that your height is a combination of your daddy's bigness and your mommy's cooking. Or vice versa, given the times. Heredity and nutrition. Something like high cholesterol or excessive gas. You know, flatulence. Farting. Comes from your Uncle Frank or something.

Dutch men and women have always been taller than most. No one seems to know why except they have a marvelous health care system, especially for infants. You get a real good start in life and your apt to become bigger and better. Genetics seem to play a big part, too. Back 2000 years ago the men of the Low Countries were so much taller at 5'9 than their counterparts in other countries that the Roman emperor used to recruit them as guards. In short, tallness is in the genes.

In later centuries the Dutch lost their height advantage so that 200 years ago the Americans were the tallest people on earth. But with new prosperity in the last century the Dutch again regained the advantage.

Americans have been deluding themselves for decades that they have the best health care system in the world, and so they do -- if you make a great salary and are part of your employer's health-care plan. If you're poor and/or unemployed and/or down and out, tough titty. You ain't got no health insurance so you don't get good care, and you're too poor to be buying nutritious food.

Of course Americans think the Canadian health care system is the pits. It's got its problems, sure enough, but I don't know any Canadian who wants to get really sick in the US -- any sane Canadian, that is.

Which brings me to a point. I have no idea where Canadians stand in this height thing. I do know the Dutch have a Tall Persons Club for which I would not qualify. The minimum height for men in this club is 6'3 and women 5'7. OH and two of my three daughters would be in like Flynn.

Scandinavians, in second place, have an average height of 6', but they're not expected to get much taller because their genetics won't allow it. I don't explain these things, I just The upwardly mobile Dutch, on the other hand, are expected to reach an average height of 6'3 within 50 years. Evidently their inherited genetic code allows them to keep growing until someday they'll need airplanes, cars, buses and women built especially to their specifications.

I wasn't tall according to Dutch standards, just an inch or so more than their average. But I can tell you even that isn't all fun. We once lived in an old house for a year where the door heights were a little over 6 feet. Most of the time I remembered to duck, but if I left in a hurry because I was bordering on being late for school, chances were my forehead would make solid contact with the wood. The rest of me would then make equally solid contact with the floor.

The first few times that happened OH was really concerned, especially the day I knocked myself cold, and wanted to call the doctor and an ambulance and all that. However, the first time we told the doctor about it over dinner one night he laughed his fool head off. The only thing that saved our friendship was that his wife didn't. I had one of those living will things drawn up which declared that under no circumstances, including death, was that doctor to be called to attend me.

OH got used to this happening after awhile and paid attention only when I had been comatose on the floor for at least three minutes.

The tallest living woman, by the way, isn't Dutch. De-Fen Yao is an Asian lady who stands 7'8 1/2". Why am I writing about this stuff at all?

Just exploring the heights of foolishness.

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